Tag Archives: relationships

What to say, when bad things happen to good people…

Most people are going through something. We get up in the morning, drink our coffee, get it together, and go. We do our jobs, attend to our duties, and the next day we do it all over again, leaving no one wiser of the turmoil inside. A strange thing happened the other day. I found myself in conversation with someone I hardly knew. By some odd twist, this person opened up to me and told me what was currently going on.

When bad things happen to good people, it leaves us dumbstruck. What do you say to someone, whose entire world changed in a cruel blink of an eye?

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” I said and this person continued.
“That is terrible, and I can relate,” I said as I also exchanged some of my own experience.
And simply by listening and being compassionate I believe, I may have left this person feeling somewhat better.

Bad things. Good people.looking out of lonly window


In January of this year, my parents in law were murdered at their farm home. The culprit then burnt the house down to the ground. It’s a case which was splattered across our local newspapers for several weeks.

Very often of late, I’ve had the feeling someone did not want to speak to me because they did not know what to say to all the terribleness.

“It just felt wrong calling,” my insurance lady confessed when I asked her if she had read about the things which have recently re-shaped my life. If I hadn’t needed her to re-assess our portfolio, I would not have mentioned it at all.

But, what if …

Anger is all I can muster when someone tells me their devastating life story in an effort to manipulate me into getting what they want. It gives me no joy, making anybody feel guilty about things outside their control.

But it’s not about that.

Some friendships go down the drain because the person not going through the bad situation does not know what to say.

When it comes from a genuine place of kindness, it’s not so difficult.
So, what do you say, when you don’t know what to say?

It’s simple you start by saying, “hello.”
And the key is, you don’t stop saying, “hello.”

So, if you have a friend going through a tough time, don’t stop talking. Yes, there may be times when your friend won’t feel like company. There will be times of silence and of tears. And it is okay. For everything, there is a season. A time to laugh, a time to cry.

Compassion isn’t feeling guilty. It isn’t about judgment. It is feeling sad and angry in empathy with others suffering. It is an understanding that listening, and if appropriate hugging, are actions which do something about the turmoil another is facing.


How to overcome relationship disaster taught to us by bedtime stories

“I also want to marry a prince,” my five-year old said when I finished reading her a bedtime story. It does not really matter which one, Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty all have a common plot. In the end Prince Perfect shows up and rescues the damsel.

two porcelain frogs

Is it then really such a huge surprise that we create this expectation of a perfect partner in our growing children, even one called Prince? When I was growing up there were two such princes. One is called Prince Harry, the other Prince William. I’m of cause referring to Princess Diana’s two boys, one who will inherit the British royal throne. I clearly remember telling my father “that’s the one I’ll marry one day,” while watching the Telly. And realize I live half way across the globe, in the middle of nowhere Southern Africa.

It is a fairytale and at some point we realize that Prince Perfect does not exist. Or do we?

I had a discussion with an unmarried colleague the other day. There was a debate about whether one should be married or not.

“I guess I’ll never get married,” she said and paused. “I just always have this idea of the perfect man in my head and they always disappoint me.”

If this is you at nearly forty, then well I hate to break it to you. Yes, they are going to disappoint you. Why? Because, not even Prince William is perfect.

Such expectations in relationships are dangerous things. They set up the relationship to fail. And some of us take a very long time, if ever to find this truth.

So if you are still singing like Fairground Attraction (that’s a music group), that, “it’s got to be Perfect”, perhaps you need to change your tune.

Mister wrong is not necessarily wrong, because he is not perfect. He may be wrong, because you have an unrealistic expectation. You can’t change someone to meet your expectations.

Imagine someone has that expectation of you. My brother, poor guy, who grew up with two sisters used to say he’d only ever date the perfect woman. This lady, needed to always look pretty, never pass gas – of any kind, be polite. Did I mention she was not allowed to perform disgusting bodily functions such as pass gass? Oh yea. It’s right there. Basically he was describing a robot.

Here’s the thing. Mister right may not be perfect. Neither are you. But, maybe , just maybe you are perfect for each other.

*Frog image by: https://pixabay.com  –   Alexas_Fotos-686414

p.s. This post has been the eleventh day of ‘it does not need to be perfect’, a series I’m currently running on this here blog.

About the Author

profile-pic-2Sarina often sat on the peaks of the dunes of Southern Africa watching the ocean tide drift in. A daydreamer, often dreaming up stories for lands somewhere over the rainbow. She is a mother, a wife, a blogger and an overall creative spirit. Above all, she is a human being.

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#Haiku Friday : Challenge 74

Welcome to this weeks dose of micro poetry. Every week Ron likes to challenge us, with this weeks prompt words being cake & wolf. There have already been some very lovely entries. Colleen’s poem “The Lothario”  over at Silver Threading is what prompted me to actually go into this direction. Often readers of my Haiku don’t get what I’m on about, but hopefully this week it’s clear. I may need to warn you…. oh, well maybe not. Over the last year and a half since I started reading Ron’s blog ,I’ve seen many a sexy poem there. What the heck, I’ll throw caution to the wind.


Thinks he’s so cunning

Yet who’s cake did he cum eat?

Who now is the wolf?